Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
