I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
