you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
