do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
