Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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