did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
