My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
