How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
