I faked an abortion last night.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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