Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Sorry my hands just texted you
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
