i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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