I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I need to stop coming to work sober
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
