I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Randomize
