Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
