Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
foreskin is a definite game changer
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
