honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
