Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Randomize
