Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
