remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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