She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize