Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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