i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
