Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
