3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
