my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
