I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
