U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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