I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
