That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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