I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
