Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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