I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
