Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
