I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
