if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
