i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
i drank out of a bidet.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Randomize
