His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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