whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My vagina is officially offended.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
