community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
