i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
i will never coherently bang her
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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