Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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