So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
