so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
