They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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