piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Randomize