Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
