you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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