He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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