life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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