What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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