I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
