I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
