I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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