My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
