Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
