I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
